Istanbul is a modern world city, like so many others. What makes it unique (except the vast amount of historical sightseeing spots) is the mix of Oriental and Western influences. Add a predominantly Muslim population to the mix, and you’re all set to experience a variety of cultural differences. So, to make most of your stay — and to prevent being rude or a fool — familiarize yourself with these common Turkish customs and etiquette rules that apply in Istanbul.
How to Greet Each Other?
- Greetings Among Men — When two men meet for the first time, they shake hands and sustain direct eye contact. A reasonably firm handshake would be appropriate. Among close friends and family members, hugs or gentle pats on the back are quite common. Other men may kiss each other on both cheeks as well. You may also see men greeting each other by making their temples touch, a greeting among people supporting one of the political parties. Colleagues in business often do not engage in the Turkish kiss.
- Greetings Among Women — For initial encounters, a light handshake is commonplace. However, if the women know each other quite well, they usually kiss each cheek of the other woman while giving a light hug.
- Man Greeting a Woman — This is a little less set in stone. The best advice is to take your cue from the other person. If their hand is offered, respond with a simple handshake. If their cheek is offered, then place a kiss on each cheek. If you are not offered their hand or cheek, then just nod and/or say merhaba (hello) politely. It is possible that a person’s religion prohibits them from touching a member of the opposite sex.
Lesser Personal Space
- Personal space tends to be quite small and this may be quite disturbing for foreigners. The generally accepted sufficient amount of space when speaking with acquaintances and colleagues is an arm’s length.
- When it comes to family and close friends though, this personal space becomes considerably smaller and a certain amount of touching occurs.
Turks Love to Touch
- Turks love to touch each other, but there are rules.
- You might often see women holding hands with other women and men holding hands with other men.
- Sometimes women even put their hands around each other’s waists while they walk or they hold the hand of their female friend while they talk.
- Although Turks can be regarded as touchy-feely during friend-to-friend encounters, note that all touching is always above the waist. Touching a leg would be very inappropriate, as this is considered a sexual gesture.
- In public, you will very rarely see members of the opposite sex touching except when they are widely known as “only friends”.
- When business partners talk to a third individual, briefly putting a hand on the upper back or shoulder of the third individual is an indication of mutual trust. Remember to avoid touching the lower back, as this could be seen as sexual.
Eye Contact
- Maintain direct eye contact when you can, as this is what is often expected and appreciated.
- There may be cases when women will avoid having direct eye contact with men.
Come to the Point Please
- Communication style would mainly depend on the context of the situation.
- If one is attempting to build a relationship with another, they’ll mostly use an indirect style of communication. They may actually take ages to get to the point, so be patient.
- On the other hand, when it comes to other things such as politics, people may be very direct and even confrontational.
- Some people have no qualms about saying what’s on their minds.
- In business conversations, a little small talk is usually expected and appreciated before going into the issues at hand.
What’s the Rush?
- The Turks are actually quite generous with their time.
- There is no single definition of time. Like their communication styles, the definition of time would largely depend on the context of the situation.
- If it is a social occasion, you would not be considered rude if you happen to arrive late. The consequence of this would be that in general, you should never expect people to get to an event or occasion on time.
- Trains and buses are usually on time or thereabouts. When it comes to deliveries though, they usually do not arrive on the day that you expect them to.
- In business situations, punctuality is valued.
Common Gestures
- Making a circle by joining one’s fingers with one’s thumb then moving the hand up and down generally means that something is good, delicious, or good looking. This gesture is often accompanied by an “Umum” sound.
- Raising one’s chin and making a “tut” sound means “No.”
- When people want someone to come over to them, they usually beckon the person by extending their arm with the palm facing downward, then making a scratching motion with their fingers towards themselves.
- To decline an offer, people often just put their hand onto their heart.
- Holding your hand next to your head and move as if you’re unscrewing a light bulb means that someone is crazy.
- You’ll noticed people dabbing their nose instead of blowing it. When you do have to blow your nose, make sure to keep the noise down.
Really Not Done
- Pointing at someone is considered rude.
- People do not French kiss in public.
- When visiting homes, removing your shoes is commonly expected. When you sit down and cross your legs by putting your ankle of one leg on the knee of the other, make sure that the bottom of your foot is not pointing towards another person.
- Whispering in the ear in a small social gathering like a dinner table.
- Observant Muslims cannot eat, drink, or smoke between sunrise and sunset during Ramadan. Refrain from eating, drinking or smoking on the street out of respect, certainly in conservative areas such as Fatih.
Michael says
My Turkish wife frequently spits at me, during arguments. Is this normal?
(also infront of the children).
As a western man, in my entire life, I’ve never had a girl boy woman or man spit at me. Ever.
I find it extremely shocking then, to be receiving such treatment from my own wife!!
Erlend says
Turkish people often make the movement and sound as if spitting without actually spitting (no fluids leave the mouth) as an expression of frustration and/or anger. Actually spitting is of course not done at all!
Dana says
Twice during my visit to Turkey last week separate men whom I encountered in service positions (restaurant host, store salesperson) grabbed the tops of my shoulders with both hands from behind me. My thoughts are that these were an expression of friendship. Is that common custom in Turkey? My wife’s nearby presence was likely known to these men. I should add that in the case of the restaurant host, he followed me to the restroom as I was leaving and stood beside me at the urinals, twice glancing at my privates and offering me a paper towel to wipe myself afterwards. Is this common behavior among Turkish men or in this case was it likely attempt at gay flirtation?
Erlend says
Definitely not common nor appropriate.
Jimmy says
Hello
Specifically when is the head/temple bump greeting done? You mentioned in the piece that it is for followers of a particular party?
I asked someone about it who said it is Turkish, but has origins in Central Asia (Mongol era). Any truth to this?
Thanks
Erlend says
Hi,
I don’t know about the origin, but it is common among the followers of a particular party.
Jimmy says
What does that mean? What party?
Thanks
Erlend says
Hi Jimmy,
I prefer to stay clear of politics on this site. I hope you understand.
Kewin says
Hi, I just came to Germany and a kurdish man was at a grocery store. He beckoned me to come to him then tapped my heart a couple times and I did it back because I wasn’t sure what to do. Anyone know what this means or if I was being disrespectful? He did seem happy when I did it back.
Erlend says
Hi,
Tapping the heart is always a nice thing. Normally people tap their own heart, for different reasons: to tell that they are very grateful for what you’ve done or said, to say that it’s very kind of you to offer (more) but they’ve had enough, etc. Tapping each other’s heart it not common, but certainly not offensive.
Melanie says
When a person was getting ready to part from family I noticed two different forms of physical contact. Some where hugging the person on each side (like kissing both cheeks but with hugs instead). Others were kissing the had of the person, who in turn would kiss the forehead. I am just wondering about the significance of these. Is there an appropriate time when one is used as opposed to the other. In the U.S we don’t really have these types of customs except for the handshake and hug or maybe a kiss on the cheek. I find these traditions very interesting and special.
Erlend says
Hi Melanie,
Kissing the hand is indeed a traditional gesture, which actually has a second step where the hand is gently touched with the forehead of the hand kissing person. This is done as a sign of respect while greeting or parting from an elderly family member or acquaintance. And the older person kisses the forehead of the younger as a sign of affection, e.g. a father kissing her daughter’s forehead on her wedding day.
Hugging without kissing sounds more like two men (maybe accompanied with some tapping on the back), a brotherly and sincere way of greeting I might say. Kissing or not is more of a personal choice these days. Traditionally, the older leads the younger.
Suzi says
Hello,
I am very good friends with a Turkish woman I have met in the U.S. My cousins and I were invited by her family to stay with them for a few days during a visit to Istanbul. They have been the epitome of good hospitality – and have insisted on paying for everything, including meals, coffee – and even more expensive things like full day tours. While I appreciate that hospitality is an important part of Turkish culture, the fact they have spent likely hundreds of dollars- make us both uncomfortable. How much should we insist on paying for things without being offensive? How can we repay them without making them uncomfortable? Many thanks!
Erlend says
Hi,
What I always do in such cases is either tell them is that invite them for a really nice dinner to thank for everything on the last day and that I won’t take no for an answer. Sometime I said that I wanted to do or see something, but only on the condition that I could pay for at least the entrance fees since they must have seen it all many times so far (which is not always the case, but anyway). I also went on secret shopping sprees and got some (small) presents for the family to hand out the last day (or secretly leave in the room for them to find after you’re gone).
Mike says
Hi,
This going to seem like an off-the-wall question, but my friend just fell in love with a Turkish woman 30 years his junior. How well would that go over with the family? I think I know the answer but, seeing how it is still frowned upon here in the US, but it has slowly been accepted in the liberal culture.
Erlend says
Hi Mike,
Unless the family is VERY liberal, this would be frowned upon, as in most countries I know. But I’m sure the woman is in the best position to asses her family’s response, wouldn’t you think?
John says
Hi, is it impolite or bad to have a just long long french kiss in bars or clubs in istanbul?
Erlend says
Hi,
Well, French kissing in public areas is definately frowned upon. In bars or clubs, rules may be a bit less written in stone, but still. Have a look around, obvserve locals, and use common sense.
Joyce says
I am a Filipina and currently living in Turkey. I have a boyfriend living in istanbul. We are in a relationship for 4 years already. There is an age gap differences of 5 years. I am older than him. Now his mother wanted to see in personal. I’m quiet nervous because my boyfriend says that his mom will have the final say about our future. And the mom wants me to convert to islam. I am a christian by birth.
Erlend says
It’s common not to meet the parents until things get serious. It’s also common for parents to have a say or at least advice on their children’s marriage choices. I’m surprised that this discussion about religion hasn’t surfaced before given you’ve been together for 4 years. From my experience, in case of mixed relationships, the parents’ main concern is that eventual grandchildren will be raised as Muslims, too.
Oliver says
Hi, love the site. Any advice/guidance on what women should wear around the city during the day? Are shorts acceptable?
Erlend says
Very much so, you can basically wear what you’re comfortably wearing in your country. Just make sure to dress appropriately when you’re planning to visit a mosque.
Rachael Nelson says
Hi there,
I am about to go to Istanbul on holiday with my boyfriend, I just wondered if it would be appropriate for us to hold hands in public or give each other a small kiss?
Cheers
Erlend says
Sure, no problem.
wonjin kim says
I want to know if my parcel is being stored at the customs office
Erlend says
Then you should contact the Turkish customs office.
KK says
I’m dating a Turkish man. Many of the things he says and does indicates there is love there. Is it customary for Turkish men to say I love you or is it something they show through actions and words without directly saying the words I love you. I wonder if this falls under indirect style of communication and taking ages to get to the point.
Erlend says
Hi,
I’m afraid there is no general rule. In the past, traditionally, they indeed didn’t used to say it (often), but times have changed a bit. It’s about the personality (and upbringing and education) of the person these days.
Kemala says
My name is Kemalahida. Please contact me directly through my email addrress (removed for privacy) or whatsapp (removed for privacy ). I have alot to discuss with you.
Erlend says
Hi,
Would you mind telling me first what exactly it is you would like to discuss, and why it can’t be discussed here so others can benefit from it, too?
Rosamna says
My husband is Turkish and I am Mexican American and my husband always says he loves me. He also shows me love in actions
Dorinda says
I have been told by my Turkish friend it is not necessary to say the words but instead the man would make sure the woman received the softest bread at the table.
In other words: actions are more important. And his actions would show her his feelings.
Tt says
They will express love in many ways, say to him, ben senanim, this means my heart and soul. Ive heard this more than the word love amongst turks
Mobil Sohbet says
Very well observed by you.
Honza says
Good evening I want to ask about one “special” habit. When someone in Turkey scares someone else, the scared person automatically puts his thumb in his mouth and raises his head. Does this behavior have any special significance?
Thank you for answer,
best regards Honza from the Czech Republic
Erlend says
Dear Honza,
Very well observed by you. They think that this gesture or behaviour prevents the soul leaving the body or losing your mind. At least, that’s what I think and have been told 😉
ELISHEVA says
Thank You!
I keep on seeing this gesture in Turkish series and couldnt find the meaning behind it till i found it here❤️
Becky says
What does it mean to get a parent/elder blessing? I’ve heard this used two different ways and I don’t understand the purpose behind either one.
1) If you leave a place or are given a task it seems common to say, “Give me your blessing.” Is that the same as wishing them good luck or is there a deeper meaning?
2) If a person wants to do something and a parent/elder says, “Do that and you won’t have my blessing.” Is that simply denying permission or are there consequences to not having a blessing?
Erlend says
“Do that and you won’t have my blessing.” is indeed simply denying permission. This can lead to various consequences under different circumstances. The parents may for instance refuse to support emotionally or financially. Or, they may totally cut all communication with their kid. I’ve seen parents not showing up at the wedding of their kids let alone being involved with the preparations or the costs.
Keep in mind that Turkish family traits are traditionally less individualistic compared to many western societies. Complying with the choices of the elders of the family (not necessarily only the parents) is regarded as showing respect.
It can also simply mean wishing good luck. “I approve and agree with what you do. I support and wish you good luck” is the message.
amal says
It stems from the Islamic obligation of obeying parents. Islam puts disobedience of parents as one of the major sins and Allah blesses and rewards those who obey their parents. There are conditions for this obedience of course. You may want to read about it more to gain insight into the status of parents in muslim dominant cultures.
Rachel kocgan says
Can i ask is it respectful for turkish relatives to just turn up in the home. Eat food that was not prepared for them and basically invites other family members without asking and sleep on sofa whaen asked not to. My husband does not understand l am feeling a little disrespected. Is this the normal way to go to a relative house and treat it like there own with no regards to a yabanchis feelings or am l being over sensitive
Erlend says
Hi Rachel,
It is indeed rather normal for Turkish relatives to show up without making arrangements first. This was a shock for me in the beginning, too. In my culture, people would never just drop by, but either wait for an invitation or call upfront if they can drop by.
Regarding the food (and sleeping), that goes back to the renowned Turkish hospitality. In my culture, we always ask what people want to drink the moment they arrive, but guests would rarely be offered to stay for dinner when not planned. In Turkey, they always ask if guests want something to eat, and when it’s close to lunch or dinner, they offer and share what what was on the menu, and add more dishes if possible. It is also very common to offer people to stay over, even if that means sleeping on the couch, when it’s getting late.
I did discuss these sensitivities and differences in culture with my partner, who in turn mentioned them to the relatives. Gradually, and with a lot of patience, both parties started understanding and we found middle ground that worked for evrybody.
If you mean by ‘like it’s their own’ taking over the TV remote, then yes 🙂
I hope it helps a bit.
Rachel Kochan says
Thank you so much for your reply. I really am struggling to learn the customs but really do want to learn can l also ask is it normal for a husband to still put his family first before his wife once married is this a turkish thing also. I was bought up to believe when you marry your partner comes first. But here it it seems to be when married family come first wife second even though she is now also family ? Is this the turkish or the individuals choice do you think.
Erlend says
Hi Rachel,
What you describe is indeed very common, however this does not mean your husband doesn’t love you. It goes back to Turkish tradition that when two people marry, the husband’s family also becomes the wife’s family. There are of course exceptions, based on how the husband was / is raised.
Can Yesilbogaz says
They do it if they feel close to you , and they dont if they dont accept you as part of them.
Tony says
During a civil wedding ceremony is it customary for the brides father to give his daughter away by accompanying her to the celebrant and groom?
Erlend says
Hi Tony,
May I ask why you’re asking this question? Are you going to get married, or are you attending a marriage? Do you want to compare it with Western marriages (in a church)? Where will it take place, Istanbul or a rural town?
I’m trying to understand what information will benefit you most.
Jill says
Is there any background/history of the gesture towards older ones kissing hand and rasing towards forehead?
Erlend says
Hi Jill,
I’m sure there is, but I have no clue unfortunately. I asked some Turkish friends, but they don’t have a clue either. I’m sorry.
Eylul says
It has a religious background but it mostly stands for the respect to older person by younger person. Age gap in here is also important for example I have a 2 year age gap with my brother and he is older but I’m not doing this ritual. You do this with your older relatives like aunts uncles grandparents parents.
Rüya says
My older brother who lives in Turkey who has recently reached out to me. I am planning a trip to meet him for the first time in Turkey in 5 months and I am super nervous since I will be meeting him and my birth moms side of the family who I never meet I want to be able to be respectful as I can I am learning to speak Turkish so I can communicate with them better but I don’t want to be disrespectful towards them. Help.
Erlend says
Hi Ruya,
As your brother and other family members know that you do not speak Turkish but putting an effort to learn it, it can not go wrong. They will appreciate it and disregard any communication shortcomings from you.
I did not quite understand with what you want me to help you. Is there any specific topic you want me to address?
Heather says
We have been invited to a Turkish wedding in Istanbul. We will be meeting the brides parents prior to the wedding, and we do not want to offend them so could you advise what type of gift do we offer the parents of the bride when we meet them, I was thinking something very English. Plus do I offer the bride to be and her fiancé a gift too, prior to their wedding,
Erlend says
“Something very English” sounds perfectly appropriate and yes, it is a good idea to go with a gift for the parents. You are not expected to offer the bride to be and her fiancé a gift prior to their wedding.
Guests attending a wedding ceremony traditionally offer their gift to the couple after the official wedding. In some cases, official wedding takes place within the wedding party. In that case you will offer your gifts during the party. Whatever you do, you will be highly appreciated since you will have covered such a distance to attend this blessed day with the happy couple. So, you can’t go wrong if you first watch what other people do and then act.
The closer a family member to the couple is, the higher the value of the gift they present, which is traditionally golden jewelry. People other than the very close family generally offer gold coins or money bills to the newly married couple.
CC says
Thanks for this.
I have learnt why my offering the groom a couture hand made gift was ignored!
I thought that was so rude! But OBVIOUSLY now I realise I was behaving very English, and the father of the groom was offended!
Thanks
CCCD
Kimberly says
Always been interested in dating Turkish man, any idea in how I can meet my true love? I live in the USA but always been interested in traveling. – Thank you!
Erlend says
I’m afraid this website focuses on tourist information, not on dating.
Of course, the best and most natural way to find someone is by being in Istanbul physically. However, before covering such a long distance you can browse and look for dating websites with some common key words such as:
– arkadaşlık (friendship refers to dating)
– evlilik (wedding refers to serious relationship rather than one-nightstand)
You can always add Istanbul to your search. For example “Istanbul arkadaşlık sitesi”
I made a quick search for you. There are a lot of websites and some are ücretsiz (free of charge).
These three are the ones with English language option:
– Yonja
– 99 Türkiye
– Badoo (not a local site yet when you set your location as Istanbul, the Turkish men try to connect with you immediately)
Pembe Panjur has a reputation to be ‘serious’ about marriage and privacy. Istanbul.net even has listings according to the districts. The biggest challenge would be the language barrier I guess.
Please be aware that such sites attract people with less noble intentions, too. Be vigilant.
Well, good luck.
rachel says
Visit turkey that’s your best way I got lucky. Met my husband two years ago married him last June.