Istanbul is a modern world city, like so many others. What makes it unique (except the vast amount of historical sightseeing spots) is the mix of Oriental and Western influences. Add a predominantly Muslim population to the mix, and you’re all set to experience a variety of cultural differences. So, to make most of your stay — and to prevent being rude or a fool — familiarize yourself with these common Turkish customs and etiquette rules that apply in Istanbul.
How to Greet Each Other?
- Greetings Among Men — When two men meet for the first time, they shake hands and sustain direct eye contact. A reasonably firm handshake would be appropriate. Among close friends and family members, hugs or gentle pats on the back are quite common. Other men may kiss each other on both cheeks as well. You may also see men greeting each other by making their temples touch, a greeting among people supporting one of the political parties. Colleagues in business often do not engage in the Turkish kiss.
- Greetings Among Women — For initial encounters, a light handshake is commonplace. However, if the women know each other quite well, they usually kiss each cheek of the other woman while giving a light hug.
- Man Greeting a Woman — This is a little less set in stone. The best advice is to take your cue from the other person. If their hand is offered, respond with a simple handshake. If their cheek is offered, then place a kiss on each cheek. If you are not offered their hand or cheek, then just nod and/or say merhaba (hello) politely. It is possible that a person’s religion prohibits them from touching a member of the opposite sex.
Lesser Personal Space
- Personal space tends to be quite small and this may be quite disturbing for foreigners. The generally accepted sufficient amount of space when speaking with acquaintances and colleagues is an arm’s length.
- When it comes to family and close friends though, this personal space becomes considerably smaller and a certain amount of touching occurs.
Immerse Yourself in Exotic Turkish Culture
Turks Love to Touch
- Turks love to touch each other, but there are rules.
- You might often see women holding hands with other women and men holding hands with other men.
- Sometimes women even put their hands around each other’s waists while they walk or they hold the hand of their female friend while they talk.
- Although Turks can be regarded as touchy-feely during friend-to-friend encounters, note that all touching is always above the waist. Touching a leg would be very inappropriate, as this is considered a sexual gesture.
- In public, you will very rarely see members of the opposite sex touching except when they are widely known as “only friends”.
- When business partners talk to a third individual, briefly putting a hand on the upper back or shoulder of the third individual is an indication of mutual trust. Remember to avoid touching the lower back, as this could be seen as sexual.
Eye Contact
- Maintain direct eye contact when you can, as this is what is often expected and appreciated.
- There may be cases when women will avoid having direct eye contact with men.
Come to the Point Please
- Communication style would mainly depend on the context of the situation.
- If one is attempting to build a relationship with another, they’ll mostly use an indirect style of communication. They may actually take ages to get to the point, so be patient.
- On the other hand, when it comes to other things such as politics, people may be very direct and even confrontational.
- Some people have no qualms about saying what’s on their minds.
- In business conversations, a little small talk is usually expected and appreciated before going into the issues at hand.
What’s the Rush?
- The Turks are actually quite generous with their time.
- There is no single definition of time. Like their communication styles, the definition of time would largely depend on the context of the situation.
- If it is a social occasion, you would not be considered rude if you happen to arrive late. The consequence of this would be that in general, you should never expect people to get to an event or occasion on time.
- Trains and buses are usually on time or thereabouts. When it comes to deliveries though, they usually do not arrive on the day that you expect them to.
- In business situations, punctuality is valued.
Cafe, Coffee & Evening Tours
Common Gestures
- Making a circle by joining one’s fingers with one’s thumb then moving the hand up and down generally means that something is good, delicious, or good looking. This gesture is often accompanied by an “Umum” sound.
- Raising one’s chin and making a “tut” sound means “No.”
- When people want someone to come over to them, they usually beckon the person by extending their arm with the palm facing downward, then making a scratching motion with their fingers towards themselves.
- To decline an offer, people often just put their hand onto their heart.
- Holding your hand next to your head and move as if you’re unscrewing a light bulb means that someone is crazy.
- You’ll noticed people dabbing their nose instead of blowing it. When you do have to blow your nose, make sure to keep the noise down.
Really Not Done
- Pointing at someone is considered rude.
- People do not French kiss in public.
- When visiting homes, removing your shoes is commonly expected. When you sit down and cross your legs by putting your ankle of one leg on the knee of the other, make sure that the bottom of your foot is not pointing towards another person.
- Whispering in the ear in a small social gathering like a dinner table.
- Observant Muslims cannot eat, drink, or smoke between sunrise and sunset during Ramadan. Refrain from eating, drinking or smoking on the street out of respect, certainly in conservative areas such as Fatih.
Rachael Nelson says
Hi there,
I am about to go to Istanbul on holiday with my boyfriend, I just wondered if it would be appropriate for us to hold hands in public or give each other a small kiss?
Cheers
Erlend says
Sure, no problem.
wonjin kim says
I want to know if my parcel is being stored at the customs office
Erlend says
Then you should contact the Turkish customs office.
KK says
I’m dating a Turkish man. Many of the things he says and does indicates there is love there. Is it customary for Turkish men to say I love you or is it something they show through actions and words without directly saying the words I love you. I wonder if this falls under indirect style of communication and taking ages to get to the point.
Erlend says
Hi,
I’m afraid there is no general rule. In the past, traditionally, they indeed didn’t used to say it (often), but times have changed a bit. It’s about the personality (and upbringing and education) of the person these days.
Rosamna says
My husband is Turkish and I am Mexican American and my husband always says he loves me. He also shows me love in actions
Dorinda says
I have been told by my Turkish friend it is not necessary to say the words but instead the man would make sure the woman received the softest bread at the table.
In other words: actions are more important. And his actions would show her his feelings.
Mobil Sohbet says
Very well observed by you.
Honza says
Good evening I want to ask about one “special” habit. When someone in Turkey scares someone else, the scared person automatically puts his thumb in his mouth and raises his head. Does this behavior have any special significance?
Thank you for answer,
best regards Honza from the Czech Republic
Erlend says
Dear Honza,
Very well observed by you. They think that this gesture or behaviour prevents the soul leaving the body or losing your mind. At least, that’s what I think and have been told 😉
Becky says
What does it mean to get a parent/elder blessing? I’ve heard this used two different ways and I don’t understand the purpose behind either one.
1) If you leave a place or are given a task it seems common to say, “Give me your blessing.” Is that the same as wishing them good luck or is there a deeper meaning?
2) If a person wants to do something and a parent/elder says, “Do that and you won’t have my blessing.” Is that simply denying permission or are there consequences to not having a blessing?
Erlend says
“Do that and you won’t have my blessing.” is indeed simply denying permission. This can lead to various consequences under different circumstances. The parents may for instance refuse to support emotionally or financially. Or, they may totally cut all communication with their kid. I’ve seen parents not showing up at the wedding of their kids let alone being involved with the preparations or the costs.
Keep in mind that Turkish family traits are traditionally less individualistic compared to many western societies. Complying with the choices of the elders of the family (not necessarily only the parents) is regarded as showing respect.
It can also simply mean wishing good luck. “I approve and agree with what you do. I support and wish you good luck” is the message.
amal says
It stems from the Islamic obligation of obeying parents. Islam puts disobedience of parents as one of the major sins and Allah blesses and rewards those who obey their parents. There are conditions for this obedience of course. You may want to read about it more to gain insight into the status of parents in muslim dominant cultures.
Rachel kocgan says
Can i ask is it respectful for turkish relatives to just turn up in the home. Eat food that was not prepared for them and basically invites other family members without asking and sleep on sofa whaen asked not to. My husband does not understand l am feeling a little disrespected. Is this the normal way to go to a relative house and treat it like there own with no regards to a yabanchis feelings or am l being over sensitive
Erlend says
Hi Rachel,
It is indeed rather normal for Turkish relatives to show up without making arrangements first. This was a shock for me in the beginning, too. In my culture, people would never just drop by, but either wait for an invitation or call upfront if they can drop by.
Regarding the food (and sleeping), that goes back to the renowned Turkish hospitality. In my culture, we always ask what people want to drink the moment they arrive, but guests would rarely be offered to stay for dinner when not planned. In Turkey, they always ask if guests want something to eat, and when it’s close to lunch or dinner, they offer and share what what was on the menu, and add more dishes if possible. It is also very common to offer people to stay over, even if that means sleeping on the couch, when it’s getting late.
I did discuss these sensitivities and differences in culture with my partner, who in turn mentioned them to the relatives. Gradually, and with a lot of patience, both parties started understanding and we found middle ground that worked for evrybody.
If you mean by ‘like it’s their own’ taking over the TV remote, then yes 🙂
I hope it helps a bit.
Rachel Kochan says
Thank you so much for your reply. I really am struggling to learn the customs but really do want to learn can l also ask is it normal for a husband to still put his family first before his wife once married is this a turkish thing also. I was bought up to believe when you marry your partner comes first. But here it it seems to be when married family come first wife second even though she is now also family ? Is this the turkish or the individuals choice do you think.
Erlend says
Hi Rachel,
What you describe is indeed very common, however this does not mean your husband doesn’t love you. It goes back to Turkish tradition that when two people marry, the husband’s family also becomes the wife’s family. There are of course exceptions, based on how the husband was / is raised.
Can Yesilbogaz says
They do it if they feel close to you , and they dont if they dont accept you as part of them.
Tony says
During a civil wedding ceremony is it customary for the brides father to give his daughter away by accompanying her to the celebrant and groom?
Erlend says
Hi Tony,
May I ask why you’re asking this question? Are you going to get married, or are you attending a marriage? Do you want to compare it with Western marriages (in a church)? Where will it take place, Istanbul or a rural town?
I’m trying to understand what information will benefit you most.
Jill says
Is there any background/history of the gesture towards older ones kissing hand and rasing towards forehead?
Erlend says
Hi Jill,
I’m sure there is, but I have no clue unfortunately. I asked some Turkish friends, but they don’t have a clue either. I’m sorry.
Rüya says
My older brother who lives in Turkey who has recently reached out to me. I am planning a trip to meet him for the first time in Turkey in 5 months and I am super nervous since I will be meeting him and my birth moms side of the family who I never meet I want to be able to be respectful as I can I am learning to speak Turkish so I can communicate with them better but I don’t want to be disrespectful towards them. Help.
Erlend says
Hi Ruya,
As your brother and other family members know that you do not speak Turkish but putting an effort to learn it, it can not go wrong. They will appreciate it and disregard any communication shortcomings from you.
I did not quite understand with what you want me to help you. Is there any specific topic you want me to address?
Heather says
We have been invited to a Turkish wedding in Istanbul. We will be meeting the brides parents prior to the wedding, and we do not want to offend them so could you advise what type of gift do we offer the parents of the bride when we meet them, I was thinking something very English. Plus do I offer the bride to be and her fiancé a gift too, prior to their wedding,
Erlend says
“Something very English” sounds perfectly appropriate and yes, it is a good idea to go with a gift for the parents. You are not expected to offer the bride to be and her fiancé a gift prior to their wedding.
Guests attending a wedding ceremony traditionally offer their gift to the couple after the official wedding. In some cases, official wedding takes place within the wedding party. In that case you will offer your gifts during the party. Whatever you do, you will be highly appreciated since you will have covered such a distance to attend this blessed day with the happy couple. So, you can’t go wrong if you first watch what other people do and then act.
The closer a family member to the couple is, the higher the value of the gift they present, which is traditionally golden jewelry. People other than the very close family generally offer gold coins or money bills to the newly married couple.
CC says
Thanks for this.
I have learnt why my offering the groom a couture hand made gift was ignored!
I thought that was so rude! But OBVIOUSLY now I realise I was behaving very English, and the father of the groom was offended!
Thanks
CCCD
Kimberly says
Always been interested in dating Turkish man, any idea in how I can meet my true love? I live in the USA but always been interested in traveling. – Thank you!
Erlend says
I’m afraid this website focuses on tourist information, not on dating.
Of course, the best and most natural way to find someone is by being in Istanbul physically. However, before covering such a long distance you can browse and look for dating websites with some common key words such as:
– arkadaşlık (friendship refers to dating)
– evlilik (wedding refers to serious relationship rather than one-nightstand)
You can always add Istanbul to your search. For example “Istanbul arkadaşlık sitesi”
I made a quick search for you. There are a lot of websites and some are ücretsiz (free of charge).
These three are the ones with English language option:
– Yonja
– 99 Türkiye
– Badoo (not a local site yet when you set your location as Istanbul, the Turkish men try to connect with you immediately)
Pembe Panjur has a reputation to be ‘serious’ about marriage and privacy. Istanbul.net even has listings according to the districts. The biggest challenge would be the language barrier I guess.
Please be aware that such sites attract people with less noble intentions, too. Be vigilant.
Well, good luck.
rachel says
Visit turkey that’s your best way I got lucky. Met my husband two years ago married him last June.